Emporium of Uselessness

A couple of people have asked for a copy so I thought I should put it up here. Thank you to everyone who laughed at my jokes, and perhaps more importantly, to everyone who had a drink every time I had a drink. I was extremely nervous before speaking, and you all helped me help Chris and Gen get a FREAKIN’ AWESOME PARTY started.

Here is the speech with a couple of edits and extra description.

J

I am the Best Man. There’s some guy walking around here claiming to be a Better Man [I was pointing at Trevor R., for the record], but it’s not true.

My friend Chris is a usually a man of few words, and so am I.  Usually, we both get more talkative after a few drinks. For that reason, y’know, to help HIM out, I will be proposing several toasts. You might want to take small sips.

First toast is to Chris for doing me the honour of asking me to be his best man.

[toast]

…and actually that was a prime example of how Chris is a man of few words. This is how he asked me to be his best man: “Here, gotcha somthin’.” And he hands me a book called “Best Man for Dummies” or something like that. Then he just stands there and smiles.

So yes, it will be very exciting to hear him speak several sentences in a row a little later. I think that deserves another toast. To Chris!

[toast]

And another one for the parents, who will also be speaking in a bit. Cheers!

[toast]

OK, now I’ll talk for a couple minutes so we can take a break from the toasting. … right after we have one more toast for the beautiful bride, and her bridesmaids, who are all doing an excellent job looking gorgeous today.

[toast – empty glass *glug*]

I warned you, small sips! But that’s good for now.

I have known Chris since I met him in Grade 1. At that point I thought he must be one of those slow kids, because he wasn’t in class with me in Kindergarten. So I assumed he had failed 1^st grade. I found out this was not true in February, when I went to his birthday party. That’s when I found out he had just recently moved to town, he wasn’t a failure after all. And his party was awesome. There was, like, this giant cardboard refrigerator box to play in. And there was really good cake. So that’s when I decided we would be best friends.  Hey, I was like 5. And we’ve celebrated just about every one of our birthdays together since then.

So as we grew up together we never got into any trouble whatsoever.  Just ask his mom. She will tell you what good boys we were. At least, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know about the time when Chris ran over me with a snowmobile. Or that time when we caught a couple of the neighbourhood kids in a pit trap that was defending our fort.  Anyway, boys will be boys, right? It’s not like anybody DIED. We always released our captives.

Chris and I continued to be in school together through High School. This is where Chris and I got to be close friends. Like, too close. Because we discovered rugby together. You see Chris was what we call a “prop” and I was a “lock,” and he would put his arm around the “hooker” and then I would take my head and… well I think we need an example…

[Trevor G. helps demonstrate where my head goes]

So yah we were pretty close. It takes a special kind of trust to play a sport like that.

And then after high school, we ended up going to the same college together, and the same course too; Computer Science. We shared a room in residence. There, we completely focused on our studies, and avoided such temptations as girls, alcohol, and parties. Whenever anyone tried to make us have fun, we would just lock the door and not let them in. We would just shout “Go away, our moms would not like you in here!” Hey, if you don’t believe me, Trevor R., from the wedding party there, can confirm that, he was just down the hall from us.

So, after successfully graduating from our Computer Science course, easily scoring good marks, Chris, naturally,… became a trucker.  … This was the first time since I met him that I thought he might actually be, you know, one of those slow kids. But it wasn’t so bad as I thought… he seemed to like it, and sometimes I would get a call from him and he would say something like “Hey, I’m in Alabama, and I’m wearing shorts.”  This was right after I got in from shovelling snow. So not so bad.

Somewhere in between truckstops, Chris and Genevieve ended up getting together at a birthday party. They were immediately glued together, just like [I make out with himself for a moment – it probably looks disturbing and I apologize.]. Yah, it was pretty gross, actually. It drove me to drink. Oh, that reminds me, we need a toast. Here’s to Trevors’ ass….istance earlier!

[oops, glass is empty. Get out flask to make toast]

Anyway, after a couple of years of seeing each other on weekends, I guess Chris decided she was a keeper. This is how he informed me of his decision. I asked him:

“Hey Chris, what’s up for today?”
“Oh I’m goin to the mall… gonna buy somethin shiny. Wanna go?”
I just looked at him blankly. He says:
“… It fits on a finger.”   *smiles*
I was like OHHHH…. It took me a minute to figure out what he was saying.

Yup, he’s a man of few words.

So, luckily for my trucker friend, er I mean my “Material Logistics Supervisor” friend, Genevieve said , “Yes”. Even though his idea of a date is taking her out to Hooters. And after many months of careful planning, here we are today.

Chris and Gen, I got to know you both separately, and you became my two best friends.  So it makes it even more special for me to see you guys together. I’m happy to see you guys happy. [I was talking directly to Chris & Gen, sorry if you couldn’t hear it, person who shouted “speak up.”]

OK, one more toast. Then I will need a 10-100 break…

To Chris and Genevieve and their continued happiness.

[final toast]

Congratulations to my best friends Chris and Gen!

My photos (from after the dinner) are in this web album. Can’t wait to see the photographer’s stuff, and everyone else’s pics!

I need another day to recover.

Completed a re-vamp of the shop section of the Laura’s Loom website. We built the product gallery, product zoom, shopping cart and checkout features using PHP & MySQL, based on design by Designworks out of the UK. Also we created the back end where the owner can add/edit/organize their product information and photos.

Thanks to Laura’s Loom for their business!

New website for The Pekarsky Group out of Calgary.

Website for Bright Dental Health Centre in Calgary.

We use Bell for our external email. Only 43 hours of downtime… not bad for Bell, really. The following graphs of incoming mail connections illustrate our recent plight. I have suggested that the corporation simply tells everyone to get a Gmail account.

Mr. Nibbles is growing up, due to his rich diet consisting of my gardens. Click for larger view.

Buy a print at DeviantArt.

Photos from this year’s Beerfest at Bandshell Park, Exhibition Place. Check them out on my Google Web Album:

http://picasaweb.google.ca/GnomeSkull/Beerfest2009?feat=directlink

Check out the website for the Breast Cancer Supportive Care Foundation. Recently did all the coding for this site, with design help from my friend Jason Welisch.

New website for Lindeth Fell Country House Hotel (in England, UK).